Family Focus - Talk Back about Violence

Click on one of the links below to read articles, see past questions and responses, or post a question or comment for Dr. Schwarz:

• Featured Articles

• Past Comments, Questions, Responses

• Ask Dr. Schwarz

Exposure to violence has serious implications, but there are things we all can do to lessen the impact and suffering. You can make a difference. Let’s talk about how! Send a comment or question to Dr. Eitan Schwarz in the space below, and he’ll respond--either by answering your question specifically or by posting comments on your topic in general. Feel free to distribute these questions, comments, and answers by copying and pasting posted text into a word processor document. This material is to be distributed only for non-profit, professional educational purposes.

The information provided on the Family Focus site is designed to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between a patient/site visitor and his/her health professional.

Featured Articles The following articles may answer your questions. To access the article in pdf format, you may need to download Acrobat Reader, available free by clicking on:
General	Family / School	Community / World News
• Apologizing	• Bullying	• National Trauma
• Courage	• Divorce	• Raising Children to Hate, Murder and Suicide
• Helping Children (and yourself) Cope with Terrorism and Other Violence	• Is It Punishment or Abuse?	• Telling Preschoolers About War
• Malignant Memories: Signatures of Violence (pdf)	• School Shootings	• What to Tell Children about Mothers Who Kill Children
• Mistreating Pets and Other Animals		• What to Tell Children About Terrorist Bombings
• Teaching Children Alternatives to Violence

Question/Comment
Post your question or comment here:

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Past Comments, Questions, and Responses

Below are responses to some past queries. Commonly raised topics are indicated by capital letters to make them easy to locate.

General

Question / Comment

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS: What is the effect on children of witnessing cruelty or threats of cruelty to their pets or other animals?

Response

Very similar to being abused or witnessing abuse themselves. See the article, MISTREATING PETS AND OTHER ANIMALS for the long answer.

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Family / School

Question / Comment

SPRINGFIELD, IL:How can I help my son learn social responsibility and alternatives to violence as he grows up? As a brand new parent, I am alarmed by what he might learn and not learn from...the ever present popular culture...

Response

Popular culture need not replace powerful norms and values conveyed by thoughtful parents.

Learning to strive for social responsibility and resolve conflicts without violence is a life-long undertaking, and parents should give children sound groundings in the essential basics.

See the handout TEACHING CHILDREN ALTERNATIVES TO VIOLENCE above.

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Question / Comment

TACOMA, WA: How do I apologize to my teen-age son? I had hurt his feelings with a thoughtlessly cruel remark.

Response

You can try to repair damage with a full, open, and dignified apology. In the process, you could be teaching your son a valuable lesson and actually might strengthen your relationship.

See the handout APOLOGIZING.

Thank you for posting a question from which we can all learn.

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Question / Comment

DETROIT, MI: What happens to a child when she/he is called stupid or useless at a young age by the parent in a fit of anger?

Response

It is an abusive psychological attack on a child that can injury her emotionally.

While we can generally be sure that such treatment does not benefit any child who can understand such an attempt to humiliate her, we cannot say for certain exactly what harm it can cause. Even to a very young child, the tone of voice itself can be injurious.

What we can say is that if this is a very rare injury, and the parent apologizes and repairs the injury well and quickly, there can be a minimum of later difficulty. But if the child is regularly and frequently injured, no matter what the apology, she will not develop well emotionally and can carry the unhealed injury and the damage of the abuse as part of her self for her lifetime.

See IS IT PUNISHMENT OR ABUSE? and APOLOGIZING on this site.

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Question / Comment

SANTA FE, NM: It bothers me when my daughter hits and yells at her kids. Is that abuse? She won't listen to me. What can I do?

Response

The purpose of discipline and punishment is to educate and to promote development. To injure, to demean, or to humiliate is to abuse. Violence has no place in child rearing.

Please see the article above IS IT PUNISHMENT OR ABUSE?

We are grateful to you for posting a question that enables us to illustrate an important learning point for all readers.

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Question / Comment

LOS ANGELES, CA:My boy is getting bullied in school. What can I do?

Response

Revenge for bullying has recently received attention as a possible cause of school shootings. Let us not forget, however, that bullying is itself a common form of violence.

Bullying often comes to the attention of parents or school authorities long after it has started. Adults should be alert to detect it early so that both bully and bullied can receive urgent attention.

Once identified, both bully and the often-bullied should be evaluated by qualified professionals immediately to assess their special risk factors and current needs. Families should always be involved in assessment and intervention.

See our handout BULLYING above.

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Question / Comment

CHICAGO, IL: I'm a child psychiatrist with an 11-year-old male with ADHD who is getting bullied at school. His ADHD is under control, but the bullying is not.

Response

Often, the bullied child may have other qualities that may set him apart, including depression or poor social skills.

3/20/2006 © 2006 Eitan Schwarz. All rights reserved.

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Community / World News

Question / Comment

LONDON, ENGLAND: I have been seeing on the news that some parents willingly encourage their children to become suicide bombers and that media encourage this practice. Is this a form of child abuse?

Response

Societies and families have a duty to raise and protect healthy, wel functioning children. Any family, social institution, or society that sanctions violence, especially by or against children, is committing child abuse. Please see the article RAISING CHILDREN TO HATE, MURDER, AND SUICIDE

1/4/2008 © 2008 Eitan Schwarz. All rights reserved.

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Question / Comment

How do I talk with my 7 year old about the woman in the news who allegedly killed her children?

Response

Sadly, we learn of this type of tragedy not infrequently. As the information filters down to us through the media, we can try to tease out the facts. Some years ago, we prepared a handout, WHAT TO TELL CHILDREN ABOUT MOTHERS WHO KILL CHILDREN, posted on this site.

Thank you for posting this important question.

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Question / Comment

ELIZABETH, NJ: In situations where violence is ongoing, like in some of our neighborhoods or in the Middle East, can people heal from the traumatic effects of violence?

Response

The answer is simple: People cannot heal well or completely from the effects of violence as long as the violence continues.

Leaving the area of violence can be a good solution. However, many people cannot leave or may wish to stand fast in the face of terror.

Often, the best people can do is to seek, accept, and utilize support and protection from family, neighbors, spiritual resources and social services while vigorously pressing for meaningful political, social, or appropriate military or police actions to bring security and an end to the violence and its causes.

It is important to avoid as much as possible the passivity and sense of helplessness of victimhood and to assume a proactive attitude of a survivor striving to find positive solutions.

Vigorously participating in efforts that provide community support, protection, and a commonly shared and felt meaning to the struggle with violence can be crucial in minimizing helplessness and destructive traumatization.

See our handout HELPING CHILDREN (AND YOURSELF) COPE WITH TERRORISM AND OTHER VIOLENCE.

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Question / Comment

BETHESDA, MD: What can I tell my children about the attacks?

Response

For ideas about coping with sniper attacks, whether you are a parent or teacher and live near or far, please review our handouts about VIOLENCE, WAR, and TERRORISM.

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Question / Comment

DALLAS, TX: News from Iraq disturbs my children. What should I do?

Response

A good question that concerns so many of us. The answers are generic and can be found in the articles and answers about VIOLENCE and TERRORISM.

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Question / Comment

CHICAGO, IL: How do I talk with children about terrorist attacks or other violence?

Response

It is important to approach this subject in different ways for different ages.

For very young children, I recommend very little discussion on the matter and even less exposure to images. Please read the article TELLING PRESCHOOLERS ABOUT WAR for a fuller response.

WHAT TO TELL CHILDREN ABOUT TERRORIST BOMBINGS is a short handout that has been widely circulated since the Gulf War.

In all cases I recommend a thorough reading of HELPING CHILDREN (AND YOURSELF) COPE WITH TERRORISM AND OTHER VIOLENCE to obtain a sound orientation for yourself and your child.

THE POSTTRAUMATIC RESPONSE OF CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS is a long "dense" review article intended for professionals. It offers extensive theoretical and practical discussion.

WHAT TO TELL CHILDREN ABOUT MOTHERS WHO KILL CHILDREN answers another question about violence that concerns children.

The handout ALTERNATIVES TO VIOLENCE offers help in raising children with healthy attitudes towards violence.

BULLYING is a handout to help parents and school personnel understand and intervene with a form of violence that can beget other violence.

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Question / Comment

CHICAGO, IL: Media coverage of the terrorist attacks and war seems to invade my dreams and hamper my daily routines. I am sometimes afraid to leave my house. How can I get help to feel less scared and safe again?

Response

HOW CAN I GET HELP FOR MY PROBLEMS?

In general, if a person is concerned that he/she may have medical, psychological or emotional symptoms, it is best to have a face to face consultation with a qualified licensed professional rather than use a public venue (such as our Dialogue) intended for educational purposes only.

People can expect that the person to whom they turn for help would work according to well-defined standards of professional conduct and accountability that govern good clinical care. Such standards usually require a confidential face to face conversation when the professional takes sufficient time to personally get to know the individual, learn in great detail about their specific concerns and circumstances, sort out the meaning and seriousness of their concerns, and determine what can or should be done.

Because we cannot possibly meet here in this format the standards for good clinical care that an individual deserves, it is neither proper nor ethical for us as professionals to respond specifically to any one individual's health-related query nor to give any direct advice that could be interpreted as, or even resemble, such care. Your physician, social service or mental health agency, local hospitals or medical schools, professional societies or self help groups, and other resources can help you locate the proper professional help.

This Dialogue is solely a public educational activity and can be neither a place for personal health-related advice nor a substitute for a good clinical evaluation and/or treatment by a qualified mental health, medical, or psychological professional. Please see the TERMS and NOTICE people agree to when posting questions.

A NOTE TO THE READER WHO POSTED THE QUESTION: We can offer only a generic response here, intended for public educational purposes, and regret that we can give you neither specific interpretations nor advice about your situation. However, we are grateful to you for posting a question that enables us to illustrate an important learning point for others. At a later date we may discuss in a general educational format other matters you raised.

Our article HELPING CHILDREN (AND YOURSELF) COPE WITH TERRORISM AND OTHER VIOLENCE gives some general information about coping.

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Violence - Making a Difference